So this morning, I was thinking about this word I have heard thrown around a lot lately: co-dependency. I really had no concept of what this meant, but I knew it was a character flaw and that's about it. With the assistance of google, and a little brother who had the genius to use the internet (sometimes my pregnancy brain gets the best of me!), I was able to find out some more. Co-dependency is, more or less, the desire to control the actions of those around you. If you can't control them, then you feel an uneasiness, a lack of happiness, and overall dissatisfaction.
You might be thinking that since I am writing a blog on "co-dependency," I struggle with this. But I wouldn't say that is true. I really don't think I struggle with a consistent problem of co-dependency, though upon reflecting, I see that sometimes in my past, I wanted to control the choices of others so that the image I had in my head would come to reality. That never worked out so well. Shocker! I did realize this morning in Mass, however, that this pregnancy has brought out some co-dependent qualities in me and I really need to be on guard against them. Maybe they aren't co-dependent qualities specifically, but they definitely have something to do with control.
I am realizing that pregnancy and motherhood has put me in the most vulnerable state I have ever been in. I have this sweet little girl growing inside of me, and I am constantly thinking about how my choices affect her. This week I freaked out about getting sick. I mean FREAKED.OUT. Crying eyes, telling people to disinfect door knobs and counters, all because of fear. This is what I mean about wanting control. Or the days when this little lady is just a little quieter than I would like. She doesn't kick hard or frequently, or sometimes, it feels, at all. In these moments, I realize my desire to control. And the reality is that I am absolutely 100% not in control. Even though I might sometime have the illusion of being in control, God is the author of all the movements of my day. Our little girl is His first. First and foremost. I know that when she comes out into the world, I am going to be even more vulnerable, with my heart living outside of my body. With each day, I have to offer her up to Our Lady, as her Mother in Heaven, and ask for the protection of the Holy Spirit to surround her.
As I try to sleep at night and anxious thoughts enter my head, I have to choose to cover those thoughts in goodness and remember that Christ is in control. And it is way better for Him to be in control than for me to be in control!